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We lost a major talent this week when Robin Williams the brilliant artiste took his own life. I dedicate this post to him yet another victim of the dark abyss that is depression, I dedicate this to you so you don’t become a victim of depression, I dedicate this to me so not to become a victim of depression.
(Image source : http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/23100000/Robin-Williams-robin-williams-23183318-1600-1200.jpg )
I have my in-laws visiting currently and they never wanted their son to marry me and over time I have finally understood the extent of the dislike & hate my mother-in-law and my father-in-law feel towards me. My logical brain thinks they are completely entitled to their feelings and opinions of me, my emotional side is breaking from all the drama. My Mother-in-law plays victim all the time, she is unkind, rude, self-involved to the point where she somehow makes my husband’s illness, my husband’s stress, hurt all about her & it breaks my heart to see that he gets treated that way. Unfortunately, I am not able to help here because she’s driven me again to the point where I wanted to drive into something just yesterday for that little bit of peace, for that little bit of peace, for that little bit of peace that’s been eluding me all my life. For the hurt to stop, for the pain to wane – just a little bit please, just a little bit!
I was driving home from the grocery store, I just wanted to drive to this road with the bends but gets you to decent altitude and drive off the edge, I was talking to my mom as I was driving and she says to me how I need to be bigger person with my mother-in-law and how I needed to try harder. I don’t think I was listening but I told her in the middle of a sentence that I really feel the need to kill myself. She asks me why I would think that way, how could I not think about my parents, my husband and my puppies. I told her that I didn’t care. Only someone with depression can truly understand what I mean…
When you get there to that dark place, you just don’t care not because you are mean or insensitive but because the pain just kills every other part of you there is, you stop being whole, nothing else exists but this pain, you are incapable of rational thought, you are essentially lost. Your only goal is some how to get this pain to stop but it just doesn’t. I tell people if you feel some what this way you need to talk to someone immediately but what happens in reality is that there are times you can tell that this feeling is brewing, like a migraine aura when you can make efforts to “deal” with it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. Then there are the times when its been brewing but you are just not conscious of it and finally it sneaks up on you, takes you down with its chemical warfare and demolishes you.
I found this post by another blogger on a facebook friend’s post, I couldn’t agree with her more, I couldn’t feel her more, it just really hits the point home. I encourage everyone to read it, and maybe share it so one can only hope that it spreads awareness about the disease that depression is.