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Its been a good month since I updated the blog with my mental journey. Writing the last 2 posts about my journey kind of took me to a dark place & I wasn’t wanting to go back there again. During this time I felt like I was weak, I am a failure and that I am just somehow less. I know intellectually that I am probably not all those things but I have always had issues with the fact that I needed help. Something happened at work today that made me feel victimized & this woman was so condescending to me that she almost made me feel like less of an engineer. I had to go out for coffee with my best friend and work through this, I talked to her and then my husband about how pissed off I was about this woman’s behavior. I said over and over again that I was OK, its just that these kind of people are annoying. I came back home and got changed into my PJs and there they were! there they were, the tears rolling down my face…I know that this is a reaction I have due to PTSD, I know I need to ride this out and I know I will be OK eventually. I also just knew that I had to write a post today about my journey and what happened today.
That phone call I mentioned in my previous post just broke me. It broke me on levels I couldn’t even imagine. I got up the next day and went to work, I did the same thing the day after. Only thing was I wasn’t in my body anymore. There was one time that my best friend and coworker had to hold me in my office. She had to talk to another coworker and ask him to stop by my office a little later because I was crying and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She spoke to my husband and they got me an emergency appointment with a therapist. I would never have agreed to go to the therapist because obviously they were for the weak and feeble minded right ? not for me! Thankfully, the fact that I was so not present prevented me from acting like an idiot and not going to the therapist.
I was then driven over there and the therapist tried to talk to me and I think I may have just blurted out a whole bunch of things…she then told me that I had symptoms of PTSD and what I was going through was called “flashbacks”. Of course, what did she know right ? So in all my genius I said something to the effect of, “Don’t you have to go to war to get PTSD ? Well, I am not a soldier”. So she explains to me again that extended abuse and trauma can cause PTSD as well. She sent me home with the PTSD workbook.
I had to go to therapy like 3 times a week starting then. Things didn’t exactly improve right away instead I lost myself further as I started to talk about my life. I went to a really dark place as the weeks became months. I couldn’t function on even the basic level, I barely was able to just use my intellectual brain and do my job. I would randomly get assaulted with flashbacks and would rush to the bathroom and stay there with my hood on my head and ride it out. The pain I was in was just too much for me just way to much. I was dissociating, I getting to a catatonic state (or so I was told later on). I would jump at the slightest of noises and I didn’t want to leave my home. I just wanted to sleep all day. The pain got so bad that I realized the only way for me was to kill myself. I would agonize over the fact why I wasn’t dead, why was I born why cant I just die! Did I mention that I am a problem solver ? So that’s what I got down to doing trying to “solve” my problem. Day in and day out I would focus on the best way to kill myself and I kept this all a secret obviously, until some how my husband and therapist figured out what was going on. I think they may have asked me about it and I don’t know what I said or did. I think the topic of getting me on meds came up then but I wasn’t convinced so didn’t agree to it. At some point I pretended to get better and ended up getting worse…there was finally a point where things got so dark and to add to this we got news that my husband’s kidney disease got worse, much worse. I wasn’t exactly functioning enough to be able to take care of him, so this shock pushed me into accepting to try medication so that I might ease the burden (he never thought so or said so, it was all in my head) I was on my husband.